My but how quickly liberal political correctness is jettisoned when the sweet-talking wing of the fascist party doesn’t get its way! By which I mean to say, loses. LOSES! I cannot contain my glee but then I’ve never pretended to be anything but that which I am: a very vindictive, schadenfreude-driven self-ordained spokesperson for the proletariat. The kind which it may now be polite in liberal circles to call an effete bitchy little faggot. I’ll take it with a pirouette.

You may have heard the most recent Trump-era outrages — NODAPL protesters doused with water in frigid temperatures despite, well, Obama still being president and in favor of the pipeline. Oh wait that’s not it. Oh it’s this scary bunch of waddling brownshirts seig-heiling the new Fuhrer. No that’s not it either. Oh yes! It’s the daughter of president-elect Trump and new chief of his businesses Ivanka Trump being given the codes to the nuclear suitcase. I mean wait, merely sitting in a seat, in her father’s office, during an informal meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan. You’re acting like they’re discussing the partitioning of motherfucking Manchuria.

Witness, feminist blogs now warning us to keep our keen don’t-need-no-man eyes on that Trump succubus, that devious calculating female who should stay in her place, where ALL women belong: with Bill Clinton’s cigar rammed up their reproductive organs. And in case you spent the last eight years thinking ridiculing people’s appearance and not the content of their character was, uh, “so totally not ok,” well bitch it’s the Trump years now and we can call his kids inbred retards to our black hearts’ content. Because deep down in this patriarchal, ableist society, liberals have always wanted to live up to our full potential as the beneficiaries of racist imperialism and, like the newly emboldened “alt-right” scum in that “leaked” Atlantic video, we’re feeling freer than ever to show our true colors. Cheeto-ass gimp offspring!!!! Man that feels good, huh.

I know, the real “concern” is the new openly signaled pay-to-play suggestion like in those yucky weird Russiany-Asiany countries (like pick one lol) over which Jezebel is so worked-up, where they do terrible things to people but we “forgot” to mention host tons of US bases whose boss is Commander-in-Chief of the United States Armed Forces President Barack Obama. Well we didn’t forget, we just didn’t know because we’re stupid but also don’t care.

Now of course this sort of thing is disturbing and “not cool” if you consider America, like, not an unstoppable mass-murderous, thieving, endlessly plotting, hypercorrupt juggernaut of an evil empire. But it is and always has been, it’s just that this has somewhat benefited you and your family and — jumping to conclusions here — likely also your race as a whole. But forget all that and for a moment just focus on this recent election cycle alone. Do you know, uh, fucking anything at all about Chelsea Clinton? Are you remotely aware that she’s essentially married to a Jared Kushner doppelgänger? And that their wedding cost three million American dollars and was paid for by the Clinton Foundation, an uh, foundational example in the modern concept of pay-to-play? Just ask the people of Haiti, whom the Clintons haven’t stopped raping since the 90s.

Forget Chelsea. What were Hillary’s credentials for coming up with an entire fucking health-care plan during the Bill Clinton administration? Don’t get me wrong, she is a brilliant person and a skilled political maneuverer… although, not quite skilled enough huh lol. But what gives the president’s wife the ok to make policy prescription when she’s as far from elected as Socks the fuckin cat?

If none of that bothered you then, or even if you didn’t care to pay attention because you blindly trust the officials of the political party with which you personally identify regardless of the outcomes of their actions, then immediately clamp shut your dumb traps you lobotomized pieces of garbage. I hate you and your petty outrage sustains me. My pleasure would be deeper and more satisfying if the Obama-Clinton regime’s body count weren’t so big as to rival the Holocaust you revolting overeducated cretins. Go drown in a pool of useless school debt.

Facebook is where I have been hanging out to get my daily fill of liberal tears over President Trump. It’s not all glee, I do take the time to make useful if inconvenient comparisons between what Trump claims he’ll do and what Obama already has done. For example, people calling Trump a monster for his deportation plans don’t realize it’s actually just taking the immigration baton straight from Obama in one uninterrupted pass.

You know how liberals love to object to things not by saying THIS IS BAD but instead, wagging finger at the ready, solemnly proclaiming something “not ok”? There’s been a rash of this but one example in particular is the self-flagellation over this one instance in which some true human bag of shit held up a sign saying RAPE MELANIA at one of those NGO-organized and -paid protests outside Trump Tower.

Discussion on Facebook has endlessly recycled this very language, even before the linked Mic piece was written. “Not ok.” “Not cool.” “This is not who we are.” No, it’s worse than not ok, it’s definitely far beyond the idiotic descriptor “not cool”; it’s a fucking crime and the person holding this sign should have had his head kicked in. But then, the proponents of these protests have also beseeched each other to keep them “nonviolent” and even to avoid damaging property. Protest the dying of the light! And don’t break any lightbulbs. So they’d probably approach this scum with their hands on their hips and frown at him when they should, in all honesty, be killing him. I’m an incorrigible digressor. The discussion continued on to include accusations that this guy was a plant, paid by Trump.

Guys.

You’re all plants of some kind! You’re being manipulated and you love it. Now that is not cool.

But I’d like to get to my main point which is that, in actually demonstrated fact, THIS IS PRECISELY WHO YOU ARE. Maybe not directly, but if people who voted for Trump are responsible for his potential future actions or those of violent racist assholes energized by his election, then you are responsible in a similar way for the crimes of Hillary Clinton and boy… that’s a long rap sheet. But let’s just focus on one crime in particular.

That’s your great humanitarian almost-leader celebrating the knife-rape, to a not-swift end, of the very effective anti-imperialist pan-Africanist leader of Libya, Muammar Gadhafi. Forget Benghazi, Clinton was instrumental in the complete obliteration of an actually existing socialist nation in which races and genders were equal, and that was a force for anti-European and -US self-development in Africa. We know the status of women in the new Libya. We don’t actually know the status of black Libyans because they were ethnically cleansed, one of their main cities now a ghost town.

So no, you’re wrong. This is you. You ratify this, whether or not you fully understand that. Maybe you defer to those, like Sec. Clinton, who “know better.” But foreign policy is killing. Mass, mass murder. It’s hard to take any of you seriously when you proclaim your safe-space humanitarianism while simultaneously calling for a new Cold War.

Go ahead, blame racism, misogyny, xenophobia, homophobia. It’s sooo easy to throw it off on someone else. It feels magnificent to retroactively, automatically define your values as the most important ones and those of others as inconsequential and selfish. Make no mistake: Trump’s presidential win was the fault of the Democratic Party. They chose a demonstrably corrupt, very rich, connected insider candidate over one — Bernie Sanders — shown by polling to have a better edge over all Republican candidates. It was a spectacular failure of the Clinton machine to consider the impoverished, postindustrial Midwest as a given despite decades of policy neglect. Hillary Clinton herself underestimated just how very unlikeable a person she is. Trump is a sack of trash but that’s just how little people like Clinton and fear her Beltway aura. Liberals are melting down across the Internet, exposing their biases and breathtakingly narrow comprehension of the universes inhabited by others.

Take one of my Facebook friends, you know the type: the gripey liberal who posts everything about their life in dramatic terms, where everything is a personal attack on them and everything bad that has ever happened to them is the fault of someone else, someone else BAD and DUMB. Only they know how the world should be, and that world is one in which they uniquely thrive and their values rule. This person posted, early on Election Day, that anyone who voted for “him” or is a “special snowflake” who cast a protest vote or anyone who didn’t vote should unfriend them now.

But the plain fact is all the people who voted for Clinton could have voted for Jill Stein, or Workers World Party candidate Monica Moorehead. But they didn’t want to. Because these people represent an actual left wing, whereas Clinton is a status-quo neoliberal who will only take a token amount of their money and privilege — enough to assuage their guilt and quench their equally token thirst for social justice — but not completely rearrange the playing field so that those born in an immovable class position no longer have to beg for scraps. The special snowflakes are actually these gainfully employed, well-educated people who have so little to worry about materially that they can’t even imagine a demographic, a white demographic especially, which would feel so desperate and afflicted that they could vote… differently. Nobody questions why Clinton lost the formerly unshakably Democratic Rust Belt? Because racism I guess. Because trans bathrooms probably. Yeah that’s it. Not their entire world having collapsed around them — literally in large part thanks to Bill Clinton — and nobody offering them a hand up aside from a meager handout.

It’s breathtaking to witness rich people — yes, rich, by any useful sense of the word — spit vicious hatred at desperate people suffering generations of poverty. Already there’s a preemptive theme on my social media that no, actually, urban liberals who care super hard about minorities and LGBT+ etc. actually are better than the backwater shitstains who only care about themselves, food on the table or no. We care! Like, a lot! And anyone who says anything else well that’s bullshit, and I don’t have to back it up because I’m literally paid to create the dominant media narrative of the world. Another friend posted that he’d get behind an Obama-led coup, because “democracy only works when the population is educated,” presumably to his level and above.  If Clinton had won and a Trump supporter said something similar the ghost of Janet Reno would be dropping napalm while my friend here cheered at the aroma of crackling skin.

Some less vengeful liberals are posting things they consider uplifting — “the fight has just begun!” — but even these betray their biases. “Let’s organize to help those who will be most devastated by this election.” Fine, yes. But this is happening at the same time half the continent is dying the slow death of disinvestment. Even in their own backyards, during the Obama presidency, did they do much more than repost Black Lives Matter memes? Did they call for the massive redistribution of wealth within their own cities that would have made a true difference to black lives? Naw. This would have endangered their own comfortable financial position and frankly, aesthetic environment. These are the bringers and beneficiaries of gentrification, after all, despite their mild, occasional social-media handwringings. Too much hope and change is well, a little too far. And that’s why they vote Democrat, and for Clinton, and not Green, or WWP, or the Party for Socialism and Liberation. Because socialism and liberation is too much too soon, and they have 401ks to which to contribute.

Please explain to me this scenario. A Seattle-area friend who lives in the farther working-class suburbs came to work to his inner-city, wealthy liberal coworkers bitching that his neighbors “voted us into fascism.” In the same breath, this rich shit complained about the passing of a transportation bill that would raise their taxes: “If they want Trump so bad they can pay for their own buses.” Here’s someone who probably calls themselves a progressive attacking actually existing progressivism because their taxes will go up a split hair, and potentially benefit unworthy types, “deplorables.” Maybe these people wouldn’t feel the need to “shake things up” if they had had what they needed to thrive all along. But then your misty piney mossy café-flanked Seattle townhome might have to fit only one Subaru in the garage.

A friend told me that today, the NY subways were silent. Good. I bathe in and relish your temporary tears you sniveling little brats. You’re sulking all the way to your gainful, benefit-saturated employment in a world-class city where you have the benefit of infinite opportunities and cultural activities. The cares of this world will not truly brush up against your plush existence outside of the pages of the New Yorker. That “evil” Trump voter, who on the flip side is enjoying this temporary glee, will wake up tomorrow still underemployed in a backwater with poor infrastructure and few prospects for advancement. They don’t even have free internships to complain about in these places. In many cases, your employment may literally be something that ensures their continued unemployment: an investment bank, a tech firm, an apparel company sending work overseas. So liberals: check your overwhelming fucking privilege, you whiny shitbags.

Don’t worry. You actually won, because you always win. It’s hard to take your play anguish seriously when you fail to see just how fabulous your life is, GOP control or no. And all the profitable wars Clinton would have continued and expanded? Don’t worry, a Trump administration will surely create plenty of opportunities to make a killing in defense stocks. Now get out there and do something meaningfully revolutionary or shut right the fuck up.